- A place where one is permitted to continue one's vices, excesses and inanities for an eternity.
- A postmortem rake-off.
- Any place from which one can see a friend in Hell.
- One good telephone system. (Christians, Mohammedans and Billysundays have promised themselves a cheerful time after death; this they call Paradise. The Jews are the only people who have no Paradise beyond the tomb; this is easily explained when it is remembered that they own New York.)