A Few Rules of the Road Which, It Is Hoped, Will Speedily Be Adopted By All Automobile Societies.
The automobile is the rich man's liquor and the poor man's chaser.
It keeps our streets full of red, white and blue streaks all the livelong day, and if the weary pedestrian is not supplied with a ball-bearing neck his chance of getting home is null and void.
Probably the safest part about the machinery of an automobile is the Chauffeur, because he knows which way to jump out.
Chauffeur is the name of the man who points the machine at you and dares you to get out of the way.
We have no word in the English language brave enough to ride on a horseless wagon when it goes real fast.
That is why we had to reach over to Paris and pull a word out of the French.
Chauffeur was the first word we grabbed, and I think we should give it back at the first opportunity.
The first Careless Cart we had in this country was called the "Coroner's Delight," because it lived up to its name.
Consequently it became necessary that a set of road rules should be composed which would help the general public to die easier when automobo-annihilated.
Here are the rules:
- One sharp toot from the horn on a Happy Hansom means that business men, messenger boys and other persons in a hurry must postpone indefinitely their contemplated journey across the street. Crossing the street in front of a chauffeur who has given the above signal is very bad form, and is generally productive of spinal meningitis and doctor's bills.
- Two sharp toots from the horn on a Vaseline Brougham is a signal to the truck drivers ahead that they must dismount at once, bow politely, and say "Gesundheit!" to the chauffeur as he passes. Truck drivers who refuse to obey this signal should be run into and injured severely.
- Three sharp toots from the horn on a Benzine Buggy is a signal to the policeman on the corner, who must immediately come to parade rest, doff his helmet and comment enthusiastically on the grace and general elegance of the chauffeur until the latter has disappeared in the distance. Policemen who fail to follow this rule should be arrested, tried, convicted and sent to Siberia.
- Four sharp toots from the horn on a Gasolene Barouche is a signal for the Fire Department to assemble immediately and remove all trees, statues and things of that sort, so that the chauffeur may take a short cut through any of the parks. Failure on the part of the firemen to obey this rule will justify the chauffeur in delaying an engine on its way to a fire by stopping in front of it long enough to get run over.
- Five sharp toots from the horn of a Whiz Wagon is a signal to all drivers of brewery wagons, ice wagons and mowing machines in the vicinage that they must descend at once from their various pedestals and lead their juggernautian caravans into the dry goods stores out of harm's way. If there are no dry good stores handy, a candy shop will do. No driver of a brewery wagon, ice wagon or mowing machine will be excused for breaking this rule simply because he doesn't know the meaning of vicinage.
- Six sharp toots from the horn of a Gas Carryall is a signal to conductors and motormen that they must, without any unnecessary delay, lift their cars from the rails and place them on the sidewalk. If the passengers in the cars so signalled offer any objections, the policemen on that beat will take the offenders to the nearest automobile garage and compel them to drink gasoline.
- One long and one short toot means that everybody in the neighborhood not in a Bubble must start promptly for the woods. Failure to observe this rule will justify any chauffeur in chasing the offender seventy-six consecutive miles in a southwesterly direction.
- Long and continued applause from the horn on any Rowdy Runabout means that the chauffeur has lost the combination on his brain cells, and is suffering severely from stage fright, superinduced by the sudden appearance of a coal cart directly in his pathway. In a predicament of this kind strict guiding rules cannot be laid down, but no blame can attach to the automobilist if he climbs over the tailboard of the vehicle and adds a new series of phrenological bumps to the suburban part of the head of the offending coal cart director.
- If the foregoing rules are carefully observed there is no occasion for further instructions, and automobubbling will become a thing of pleasure and a joy forever.