The poor man's cook book

(Presented by the President of the Food Trust.)

This Cook Book was invented by the President of the Food Trust with the hope that the poor man will find therein much to comfort him since meat and other luxuries have gone out of his life, because the Trust needs the money.

The beauty about the dishes mentioned here is their cheapness. Let us begin with the soup:

Mock chicken soup

Take a piece of white paper and a lead pencil and draw from memory the outlines of a hen. Then carefully remove the feathers. Pour one gallon of boiling water into a saucepan and sprinkle a pinch of salt on the hen's tail. Now let it simper. If the soup has a blonde appearance stir it with a lead pencil which will make it more of a brunette. Let it boil two hours. Then coax the hen away from the saucepan and serve the soup hot, with a glass of ice-water on the side.

Beef tea

Take the white of an egg and beat it without mercy. When it is insensible put it in the teapot and add enough boiling water to drown it. Let it drown about twenty minutes. Then lead the yolk of the egg over to the teapot and push it in. Season with a small pinch of tobasco and let it simper. Serve hot and always be sure to put a piece of lemon in the finger bowl.

Mock beefsteak

Carefully remove the laces from one shoe and put them away, because they can be used for shoe-string potatoes just as soon as the Potato Trust gets started. Beat the shoe with a hammer for ten minutes until its tongue stops wagging and it gets black and blue in the face. Then put it in the frying pan and stir gently. When it begins to sizzle add the yolk of an egg and season with parsley. Imitation parsley can be made from green wall paper with the scissors. If there is no green wall paper in the house speak to the landlord about it. Let it simper. In two hours try it with a fork. If it breaks the fork it is not done. Let it simper. Should you wish to smother it with onions, now is your chance, because after cooking so long it is almost helpless. Serve hot with a hatchet on the side. If there are more than four people in the family use both shoes.

Irish stew

Remove the jacket and waistcoat from a potato and put it in a saucepan. Add three quarts of boiling water. Get a map of Ireland and hang it on the wall directly in front of the saucepan. This will furnish the local color for the stew. Let it boil two hours. When the potato begins to moult it is a sign the stew is getting done. Walk easy so as not to frighten it. Add a pinch of rhubarb and serve hot with lettuce dressing. This is one of the best stews without meat that the Food Trust has ever invented for the poor man.

Mock pork pie

Peel the bark carefully away from the hindquarters of a spruce tree and remove the tenderloin. One of last year's Christmas trees is excellent for the purpose. Chop it up fine and place in a saucepan. Add boiling water and let it simper two hours. Season with a pinch of salt, and if this is not satisfactory, you might also pinch a little pepper. Put the bark in the coffee grinder and turn the handle rapidly to the left. Add boiling water and serve with milk and sugar. This will be a splendid joke on the Coffee Trust. The mock pork pie is now done. Serve with lionaise dressing and tomato catsup. After dinner eat four pepsin tablets and send for the doctor.

Imitation apple fritters

First catch your fritter. Be sure that it is a young fritter. The way to tell the age of a fritter is to count its teeth. Remove the shell and add a pitcher of apple sauce. Place this in a saucepan and tease it with a pinch of baking soda. Let it simper two hours. Serve hot and smile rapidly while eating. Laughter always aids digestion.

Ox-tail chow chow

To make ox-tail chow chow without an ox is one of the best jokes in the world on the appetite. Remove the pin-feathers from a young onion and chop it up fine, add water, stir gently and add more water. Let it sizzle. Add more water. Always boil the water before adding. Let it sizzle. Now remove the skum and serve hot with watercresses on the side. This is a nice dish for a small family and at the same time it shows what a generous nature the Food Trust has to suggest it.

Mock giblets

Take two rubber-neck clams and after stuffing them with chestnuts fry them over a slow fire. The Coal Trust will see to it that you have no trouble in getting a slow but expensive fire. Let them sizzle. Now remove the necks from the clams and add baking soda. Let them sizzle. Take the juice of a lemon and scatter it at the clams. Serve hot, with pink finger bowls with your initials on them. Some people prefer to have their initials on the clams, but such an idea is only for the wealthy.

Imitation prune pie

Take a dozen knot-holes and peel them carefully. Remove the shells and add a cup of sugar. Stir quickly and put in a hot oven. Bake gently for six hours and then add a little Jamaica ginger. Serve cold with tea wafers and talk fast while eating them.

Breakfast bacon

Take a hat full of pine shavings and remove the interior. Add a little sherry wine and sweeten to taste. Let them sizzle. Sprinkle with salt and pepper and other cosmetics and let them sizzle. Now turn them over with a spoon and serve them hot off the griddle.

Saratoga chips

The same as the breakfast bacon only you don't remove the interior from the pine shavings. Just take them as Nature made them and add a little salad oil. Serve cold with shredded onions on the side.

Mock baked beans

Take as many buttons as the family can afford and remove the thread. Add pure spring water, put in a saucepan and stir gently until you burst your buttons. Add a little flour to calm them and let them sizzle. Serve with tomato catsup or molasses, according to the location you find yourself living on the map.

Oatmeal pudding

Take the sawdust carefully from a freshly caught board and remove the husks. Add water and let it sizzle. Stir gently two hours, then rest a while. Pour the contents into a saucepan and saturate it with sugar and salt and other spices. Serve without splashing it, and add a little cold water painted white to look like milk. This last idea is a splendid joke on the Milk Trust.

Hamburger steak

Always be sure to get a fresh Hamburger. There is nothing that will reconcile a man to a vegetarian diet so quickly as an over-ripe Hamburger. They should always be picked at the full of the moon. To tell the age of a Hamburger look at its teeth. One row of teeth for every year, and the limit is seven rows. Now remove the wishbone and slice carefully. Add Wooster sauce and let it sizzle. Add a pinch of potato salad and stir gently. Serve hot and eat fast with the eyes closed tight.

Apple dumplings

Take a large sheet of blotting paper and remove the ink. Ink is a non-conductor and discolors the palate. Borrow an apple from the grocer and tie it up in the blotting paper. The blotting paper will absorb the flavor from the apple in about three minutes. Now take the apple back to the grocer and say, "Much obliged, thank you!" Cut the blotting paper into thin slices and add water. Stir gently until it boils over then unhook it. Serve hot and if your husband kicks say to him bitterly: "You should have married an heiress with a Papa in the Food Trust then you could afford to have real apples!"

Imitation roast turkey

Find a copy of a Thanksgiving Day newspaper and select therefrom the fattest turkey on page 3. Now with a few kind words coax the turkey away from the newspaper in the direction of the kitchen. Care should be taken that the turkey does not escape in the butler's pantry or fly up the dumb waiter, because the turkey is a very nervous animal. Once you get the turkey in the kitchen lock the door and prepare the stuffing. The best stuffing for a turkey is chestnuts, which you can obtain by tearing a few pages from "The Life and Anecdotes of an After Dinner Speaker." Now remove the wishbone carelessly and make a wish. Then coax the turkey over to the gas stove and push it in. Let it sizzle for four hours and serve hot by a Russian waiter and with Japanese napkins.

Mock celery

Take an old whiskbroom and remove the handle. If the handle is made of wood keep it, because it can be turned into breakfast food the first time you see a sawmill. Now remove the wire from the whiskbroom and sprinkle with baking soda. Serve cold with a pinch of salt on the northwestern end.

Mock clams

Take a rubber shoe and slice carefully. Add a dash of tobasco and stir gently. When the shoe occupies the same shape as a dozen rubber-neck clams serve with vanilla wafers and horseradish.

THE FINISH.